Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
