Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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