I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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