Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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