there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
