Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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