Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
