How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
