Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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