There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
