I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
