I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
