I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
