I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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