i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
