If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
