I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
