Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
