I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
