Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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