My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
