I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
