Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
