Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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