Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
