Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
