My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
