Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
