like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
