I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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