I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
