girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
