We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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