Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
