We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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