There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
