Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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