i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
