We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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