I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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