I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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