sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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