If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
