The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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