I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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