new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Randomize
