are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
