Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
