All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
