shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
